I pulled two dresses out of the attic closet and then put one back. A third sequined option (hello 80s!) caught my eye from the landing closet and my daughter pulled a fourth, fifth, and sixth from the way-back machine. Her six-year-old exuberance transformed trying six dresses on from a fiasco to a fete. I was heading to a wedding where I would see lots of people I hadn’t seen in a long time and I hoped to look . . . composed? refined? relaxed? Inside I was anything but.
Celebration of the bride and groom were my first and foremost thoughts, followed by the second, nagging suspicion that most people would ask the same question, what have you been up to? I had not much to show on the surface for my absence from the world of Catholic sharing. And yet everything had changed below the surface. What’s a pithy answer to the question? Tons yet nothing! Invisibly shook but outwardly just nada?
+ + +
I’m too old to be an actual JB fan (do we abbreviate? do we call him that? who is we?), but this song has always hit differently. The call that “you should go and love yourself” feels less like narcissism and more like not caring about everyone else’s opinion. I’m walking with Saint John of the Cross right now and his pillar tenet of nada nada nada. “Nada” or “nothing” except God. (Justin Bieber + Saint John of the Cross in the same paragraph—both / and??).
I do not care what anyone else thinks of what I end up wearing (nothing from the past fits, trying on borrowed dresses tomorrow, bleh). More keenly, I desire to be detached from whatever people might think about the sharp left turn my life took when I resigned my job. It’s God’s opinion alone that counts. It’s Him who shows me love unflinching, love for myself because He loved me first. Nothing but Him.
Fellow people-pleasers, pick your jaws up off the floor and step into this invitation for freedom from anxiety about what others think. Four hot tips:
+ being tired helps
+ being older helps
+ being super busy helps
+ being buds with Saint John of the Cross helps
because you no longer have time to anticipate and then perseverate over what others will and do think.
Why do we care more about what he or she thinks than what God thinks? Their opinions over His? And I mean, the deep truth of His opinion. That we are His. That we are beautiful beyond metrics and measure. That we are worthy of His death, resurrection, and invitation to share eternal life. That we are made in His image. That He beckons and calls and draws us to remain with Him, to abide in Him, because He loves our company. (God’s truth; I’m just the messenger.)
When we give others the power to alter that truth in our minds, my goodness! Such sadness that we are turning away from brilliant light to the pitch dark! Instead of God’s love illuminating us, we find ourselves fumbling about, finding only another as our guide, forsaking help in the valley of the shadow of death.
Speaking of death, what a segue, I find that anxiety over what others think is a form of death. Our creativity, our risk-taking, our little leaps and bounds of faith are all squelched. How many sonnets have you left unfinished? Trips unplanned? Career shifts unshifted? Boundaries unset? Frenemies still stuck in your messages? How much peace of mind have you left on the table, dragged off by said opinions?
Living unfettered by these weights unlocks you to bring God wholeheartedly into the world in a unique way because you’re being yourself. Freedom is what we desire, yes please and thank you.
And yet it’s a journey, as all anxiety narratives are. Asking and receiving little freedoms and little lifts of the chains. Praising and thanking for a window of His light slipping in. Three steps back and an inch forward. I’m facing my own hurdle of others’ opinions this next weekend, but every day, little movements on my heart surround this. Let go, let go, I pray and remind myself. Let go, I exhort you too, dear reader. Accept nada to deter you from His sight, His love, His grace.
I’m not rolling into this wedding with anything to show off. My life went from HarperCollins book promo planning and nurturing my forty writers to shuttling to baseball, nursing down for naps (no, we somehow haven’t weaned yet so help me), consoling a chronically pained child late at night, rounds of the stomach flu laundry, lots of doctor phone calls, and two manuscripts percolating.
My life is very very simple.
My life is meaningful and exquisite.
So is yours. This is where He wants us today. Forget the other opinions. Nada, nada, nada but Him.
Love and see you next week for MAY’s new theme (probably my fav so far),
Nell
forget everyone else's opinion
Beautiful Nell, your reflections have been spot on. I have so been struggling with this issue & being postpartum has not helped, ha! Our non-religious friends and family think we’re nuts & Catholic friends think we’re not Catholic enough. I just try to follow the Church & her teachings as they are! Apparently that’s a lonely place to be & I hate to admit how much it bothers me what people think of us. I have been pondering your encouragement to get off social media for a while (feels impossible while nursing around the clock) but it has just become an anxiety inducing place (the lotion I use is toxic & you should not give sick kids Tylenol (???) … I guess I am not as enlightened as everyone else! 😉)
Nell. This post was a message from God to me.
I am 70 and still basing my life and value on what others think of me. I am handicapped now and can no longer color my hair.., long story, and siblings and friends are flying to Europe and here my husband and I are. He has cancer and can’t walk either. I am the sole caregiver navigating with a walker.
I am deeply religious. So very Catholic and have always said that God CB one’s first.
Well, obviously He doesn’t. I care more about what my twin looks like, that my older brother just returned from Paris. And here I am..,
Going to try to get to confession today.
Jesus needs to have a clean space to heal and transform me.
There is this person inside that wants and needs to be free. If God sets us free, we are indeed free. I could go on and on.
Nell, please write a book on this topic. You have hit upon something so profound and courageous. And not for limelight, but to truly share your hearts journey. This post alone has had such a profound effect on me. Imagine a wee book.., I am going to pray for that. You are younger than my youngest adult child, yet I feel like I would love to chat with you over coffee.
Be blessed Nell.